It’s always so much easier planning the trek towards change than actually walking it. Real life likes to butt its head into my attempts at growth and suddenly it’s the end of the week, and the universe hasn’t yet shifted. Despite my practical nature, I must admit that when I began this journey, I hoped that somehow Wayne Dyer’s spirit would recognize it and whisk me along the path.
Alas, that is not to be. I am stuck with me and my habits until I adjust them. I’m grateful, at least, that this first week’s “suggestions” were more about thoughts than actions. I did indeed copy the Hasidic prayer, through I am still not attached to it. It’s pretty and all, but I’m not sure it suits me; and then I panic; will this work without it? Can I use something else? Shouldn’t this book have an 800 number that I can call with this kind of question? What if I’m doomed because I can’t even connect with the first instruction??
Aside from the prayer, I have actually started to take this Intention thing seriously—more than once I’ve caught myself veering back into old thought patterns (“this will never work, I shouldn’t have even tried, I’m out of my league”) and reminded myself that I can resist the anxiety that so often threatens to derail me. But as I knew it would be, visualizing that what I desire is already here is not an easy thing. Left-brained Paula is only too happy to question it, and she can be an exhausting debate partner. She whispers about d how I’ve tried this before and it didn’t happen, and that sure, it’s nice to dream but come on….
I am, by nature, a reactor. The idea of making proactive choices is downright foreign. For my entire life, I’ve sort of just flown from one experience to the next, based on convenience or the most immediate needs. I look for the closest safe spot to land and stay there until something makes me move. And then I fly on until I’m out of gas, or ideas. I’m in awe of people who truly live with Intention, who are holding the reins of life and steering it. As it’s Christmas time, I’m actually envisioning Santa in his sleigh, itinerary in hand and ready to fulfill his yearly goal. If I was Santa, I’d be contemplating every weather report and stressing about lists and the health of the reindeer.
It’s a long haul, I tell myself. If nothing else, I will keep my promise to continue. I’ve now read into Chapter Two, which describes the “Seven Faces of Intention” – briefly they are creativity, kindness, love, beauty, expansion, unlimited abundance, and receptivity. I feel my defenses rise up. Everything Wayne puts out seems to require belief in huge things not seeable or provable, and the agnostic in me is threatening to rebel. For every example he gives of Intention in action, I can find at least three that would seem to disprove any such thing exists. What exactly is at work here? If everything is possible, why is there such misery, poverty, and cruelty in the world?
Before I lose anyone, all is not lost. I haven’t forgotten my one big success this week— the trolley strap. If you’ll recall, Wayne uses it as a symbol to remind us that we can reach up and allow ourselves to be carried by intention. I was actually in a subway and thought about it when grabbing hold of the bar. I’m still working on trusting the process, but I am a tiny bit closer.
If I can just make myself keep walking…