It’s chasing me again… opportunity/fate/hope got tired of me sitting around and decided to give me another push.
I’ve been into metaphors these past few days. There’s something about upheaval that sets my mind to comparisons, to trying to explain and understand my thoughts through their similarity to pictures in my head.
Brief explanation – the contract I’d come to depend on for 99.9% of my income was pulled out from under me – sort of. There were hints, but I truly believed that the pool was getting smaller, not drying up completely. Like when you go to a sale, knowing there’s probably not a lot left, but never expecting to find the store empty with a Gone out of Business sale. But there it was in an email: we no longer need you. Buh-bye. What they needed to add, in just as simple terms, was an explanation about the checks they owe, now nearly two weeks late.
Yeah, um, no. “It’s being worked on,” they say, with no explanation whatsoever. Against the advice of some, I finished out my assignments, silently praying to the gods of justice that this company would do right by me in return. Now I wait, fingers crossed.
But back to the metaphors. While talking with one of my best friends, I remarked that I felt a bit like a bird being kicked out of the nest. I thought I had given up the safety of nests when I became a freelancer, but in reality, I’d simply found a new one, that was perhaps a bit farther out on the branch. The Universe let me sit and grow a bit, but then realized that I was getting just as comfortable (translation: stuck) in this second nest. So it did what the Universe does best – it gave me the boot. To be fair, it sent me flying with a tiny parachute, a kinda steady job that could never pay enough or sustain me. But that chute would only keep me from drowning, it wouldn’t bring me any closer to my goals.
It’s do or die time again… time to get off the bleachers and back onto the floor. The challenges are waiting for me. Can I clear the hurdles? Walk the balance beam without falling off? Run down the tumble mat and not chicken out at the last minute?
Success is waiting – I believe that. But do I have what it takes – really – to jump completely into a brand new way of thinking and living? How does one do that? Do all of the baby birds go airborne, or do some fall to the ground – splat! – while the mommy shakes her head in dismay? Is it wrong that a part of me wants to quick, find another nest and sit down again?
Maybe I can do like mothers do with their kids who are outgrowing the baby blanket, so they cut a little piece and let them just hold that – security, with a little s, instead of a big S. Perhaps I can find a way to take a piece of the nest with me wherever I go, so that it’ll never feel like it’s gone altogether.
Just please, everyone, whatever you do, don’t laugh at the twig in my mouth.