Or New Jersey, or….
Well, actually, a few tears might be in order. I had planned to have my blog just be about me taking steps, moving up hills, and hurling obstacles out of my way. This was my chance to be Positive, Enthusiastic, Brave, even if only for the half-hour or so that I spend writing each post. I’m starting a new business – hooray!!! I’m branching out – yippee!!! Go me!
Folks, the party has been attacked by an uninvited guest. An interloper named Reality has crashed through the door and is raining on my beautiful, Pollyanna parade. Enemy, thy name is Money.
Work has been slow. As a freelancer, I should know by now that the ups and down aren’t just part of the job – they ARE the job. And just like a roller coaster, the ride up is usually slow and jerky, the top is fleeting, and the ride down is fast and furious. My can-do attitude was just no match for a slower than average pay period followed by a slower than slower-than-average one. I crumbled today, in a most uncreative and unflattering way.
I will remain forever grateful for my choice in friends – for the girls who are so dear to me and love me so much that I can call, through tears, vent every frustration, and have them not just sympathize but offer real knowledge and real suggestions to get me off the floor and thinking somewhat clearly again. A friend to assure me that I won’t be homeless tomorrow and that I am capable of making enough of the evil stuff to live. I will give myself credit for keeping my ears open as I climbed down off the panic pole and stepped back down onto solid ground.
I listened, I heard, and I believed.
I re-thought about all the stories I’ve told myself, about myself, over the years. About how I wasn’t pretty enough, smart enough, stable enough to have it all. And about how I shouldn’t be greedy, that some people just aren’t meant for a grand life. About how it can be smart to know your limitations so that you don’t get hurt. Take it slow, take it easy – don’t fall.
And then, my mind turned to this very blog, and my first post F&*k Fear – the thing that finally, finally got me started writing again. This notion that fear, was not, in fact, an unopposable foe against whom little ol’ me had no chance – that it was maybe no more than a bogeyman that I’d been allowing to make choices for me. What if by giving in to this new worry I was actually opening the fear door again, practically inviting it to stay? If I had to look in the mirror and face myself, knowing that I was the one who’d let it all back in, it would be like watching myself jump down a well, just to be sure I didn’t trip and fall in by accident.
That’s one plunge I’m not prepare to take. It’s a funny thing, this blog. I feel responsible to it, to the girl who started it. It seems like it’s up to me not to challenge her dreams and faith, but to nurture them, run along side them yelling words of encouragement. I can’t give up this easily. I can’t let the fear stop me like it has so many times before.
Not I can’t. I won’t. And I will do more than be grateful for my friends who support me. I will trust their judgment, and support me, too.